• Andrew Playmer

Season 9: Brunch!

The Millennials started Season 9 with Shame and ended it with Brunch.

On Day 1, the Mills saw a 2-1 9th inning lead against the Pies crumble in a 2-4 loss. It would be an omen of what was to come. The Pies swept the opening series; over the season, the Mills would be swept an eight times.

On Day 19, Charlatan Seabright had an allergic reaction to a peanut, taking her player ratings nearly to zero. Fans commiserated, but splorts media discussion about whether the Millennials should go for the “Dead Weight” blessing left the newest Mills player feeling down. (To her credit, Charlatan put her head down and still contributed twelve homeruns and 41 RBIs.)

On Day 23, Andrew Solis was hit by a pitch from Jaylen Hotdogfingers, making Solis “repeat”. This never became a factor on the field, due to a lack of Reverb weather. At the Millennials Apartment, however, Solis was duct taped to the wall until Day 30, out of fear of multiple Soli.

For the first time in Blaseball history, the Millennials did not post a winning record at any point during the season. Frustrated fans attempted to organize on social media to call for the firing of the head coach, but were stymied by the team having neither a head coach nor an ownership group to direct their ire at.

On Day 82, after again losing to the Pies, the Mills made a critical tactical change: brunch. Mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and allowed to enter Party Time, the Mills organized a seventeen-day long brunch party, which was later certified as “NYC’s Longest Brunch” by the Gluinness Book of World Records. The food and drink program was led by Patty Fox, who set up The Sly Fox directly behind home plate. Batters from both teams were obligated to take a plate and enjoy the 50-foot buffet before taking the plate. (This was curiously still true during away games at Philadelphia and Canada.)

Fox would also discover that putting her Nine-Blood Blagonball in a cooler with a case of White Claw would convert the beverage flavor to “Blagonfruit”. The flavor was described as “kind of weird and metallic” and “cannot be remotely safe for consumption”.

Bates Bentley was given control of the sound system, while Charlatan Seabright made a point to give an appropriate party hat to every person entering the grounds of Battin’ Island.

The party atmosphere was just what the team needed. The pitching rotation, long tired of being referred to as the weak point of the team, was responsible for the majority of the partying. Penelope Mathews routinely shouted “I AM THE LIFE OF THE PARTY” and partied four separate times, only two of which happened while she was pitching. Fynn Doyle took the ████████ off and partied twice in a single game against the Moist Talkers. Patty Fox, Sandie Turner, Andrew Solis, Nandy Fantastic, Charlatan Seabright, and even the usually reserved Ren Hunter would all take time to party.

The continuous brunch atmosphere turned out to be a winning formula for the Millennials. Having gone 32-50 prior, the Millennials went 12-5 during their Enhanced Brunch Time, to finish with a 44-55 record.

Democracy again forsake the Millennials in Season 9, with no direct blessings awarded. Charlatan Seabright took a trip to the Hot Sauce Bar and became Spicy. Andrew Solis passed on the spice and instead learned how to eat fire. Penelope Mathews befriended crows. And Theodore Cervantes found new and interesting ways to use blood to accelerate things to terminal velocity - so long as the blood drain will gurgle once more.


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