• Andrew Playmer

Season 6: The Big Oof

In the aftermath of the Season 5 election, a plain envelope was slipped under the door of the Millennials shared apartment. With no information about the sender, the envelope held a single dot matrix printout page, with one word in giant ASCII block lettering:


"TANK!"


Lacking in specifics, the Mills approached the instruction from different angles. Some took up residency on the couch, watching the opening sequence from Cowboy Bebop on repeat hoping to find clues. They would eventually just binge the entire season and argued about which player was which character, finally settling on Dominic Marijuana as Spike, Thomas Dracaena as Jet, Winnie Mccall as Faye, Wesley Dudley as Ed, and Theodore Cervantes as Ein.)


Others took a more military approach, with Ren Hunter, Penelope Mathews, Winnie Mccall, Schneider Bendie, and Felix Garbage planning a heist to steal an M1A1 military tank. After drawing up an elaborate plan – including multiple mask and costume changes, double crosses, and skywriting "DEATH TO THE INDUSTRIAL MILITARY COMPLEX" over the military base – the heist was abandoned when no one wanted to be responsible for moving the tank from one side of the street to the other when Alternate Side Parking was in effect.


Only Patty Fox seemed to grasp the message accurately, which was that the team should "tank" the season in hopes of benefiting from the Blood Pity curse affecting the new Wild High division. Fox, the team's best pitcher in Season 5, would go 0-6 to start the year and finish with a career low 35% win rate.


Fans at Battin' Island supported the effort to tank, seeing the writing on the wall. Fans cheered every away team score and celebrated every home loss, while politely clapping for the Mills when they did well. It is not clear if some, none, or all of this cheering was ironic. The team's regular mantra, "LGMBLDM", was replaced by "LGEBDMSDMCWNSBLEBDM" (Let's Go Everyone But Da Mills So Da Mills Can Win Next Season Baby Love Everyone But Da Mills).


On Day 22 against the Jazz Hands, long time fan favorite Conrad "Comrade" Vaughan departed the Mills in a feedback swap with Valentine Games. Fans were happy to see a Games back in the lineup, but that joy was short-lived, as another feedback swap on Day 51 saw Games depart in exchange for Andrew Solis.


On the back of an early nine game losing streak, the Mills had a comfortable lead in the race for the basement. However, their innate talent and anti-authoritarian roots saw them clutch to a near .500 record for the length of the season.  Fynn Doyle had her best season yet, and Winnie Mccall led the lineup in batting average.


Entering the final ten days of the regular season, the Mills found themselves trying to lose faster than the Chicago Firefighters to cement their basement / Blood Pity status while simultaneously still in contention for the playoffs. An ill-timed sweep of the Houston Spies on Days 94-96 made a Wild High bottom finish mathematically impossible, but the Mills found themselves just one win – or one Flowers loss – away from a fourth straight playoff berth.

LGEBDMSDMCWNSBLEBDM chants were retired in favor of LGMBLDM on Day 98. Despite a valiant effort from the mound by Fynn Doyle, the Mills could not clinch, losing a tight 4-3 result while the Flowers saw off the Jazz Hands 8-2.


With one last chance on Day 99, the Mills again fell to the Firefighters 7-4. All of Battin' Island watched in confused astonishment as the Flowers came back from 11-5 down, forced extra innings, and then Shamed the Jazz Hands in the 10th. Simultaneously missing both of their season goals in the dying moments of Season 6 – both overachieving on their underachievement and underachieving on their over-achievement – was dubbed "The Big Oof" by Millennials fans.


Following the playoffs, word came down that the Blood Bath had been mysteriously postponed, making the whole thing an exercise in futility.


In a final surprise, democracy finally panned out for the Mills, with two blessings being bestowed upon the team. Penelope Mathews and Bates Bentley switched positions in advance of Season 7. Minutes after the election results came in, a case of Ooze-flavored White Claws appeared at the club apartment with another single-word dot-matrix note:


"CHUG!"


There would be no confusion as to the meaning this time.

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