• Andrew Playmer

Season 13: Hold Hands, Do Math Crimes

Despite new faces, a new stadium, and new decimals, Season 13 brought very familiar outcomes for the plucky Millennials.

Season 13 saw Uncle Plasma take the case, returning to the league following the Coffee Cup to join the Mills rotation. Plasma pitched a respectable 8-6 record but turned heads by walking just two of the 481 batters he faced.

In the lineup, Hatfield "Hattie" Suzuki also made a debut after emerging from the shadows. The debut was short lived, as Suzuki was swept Elsewhere on Day 35 and would not return until Day 61, limiting them to 281 at bats.

Andrew Solis would also head Elsewhere on Day 68, but would return just in time for the long awaited opening of Battin' Island on Day 76. Hosting the Lovers in a 3-1 loss, NaN hit a double to bring home Schneider Bendie for the first Mills scoring play in their beautiful, Silverada-specialized stadium. The Mills would win their first home game at New York, New York Arena, Arena on Day 77, and first blood would be spilled on Day 79 as the Core Mechanics' Ruffian Applesauce would be tragically incinerated by a rogue umpire.

(Astute readers may be thinking: "Wait a minute - I've been reading these recaps for years now, and they've always said things like 'the Battin Island faithful'. How can the stadium only just now be opening?" To this, your humble author offers only a confused smile.)

In their regular season efforts, the Mills continued to find new and unique ways to run up the score. Ren Hunter hit a looping grand slam into Sun2 on Day 8, helping the Mills to a 4-1 double victory over the Pies. On two separate occasions, Mills players were seen joining hands on third base and scoring together.

With seven stolen bases, Thomas Dracaena lead the charge for floating point scorelines. The Mills would win three games by a .2 run margin starting with the Breath Mints on Day 25, setting a league record for "slimmest margin of victory".

The record regrettably would not last; the Chicago Firefighters would beat the Spies by .1 runs on Day 54.

Running down to the wire, and powered by multiple Sun 2 victories, the Mills would clinch the top spot in Mild High on Day 99 over the Dallas Steaks, who they toppled 5 to 2.7. It was the first time they had won their division since Season 5. But the top of Mild High was only good enough for the fourth seed overall, forcing the Mills into a dreaded Wild Card match, where the Wild Card Breath Mints, as the Shoe Thieves had done one season prior, eliminated the Mills 2-1.

The election was again an exercise in millennial work ethic, as both highly favored Wills were selected. Alejandro Leaf was revoked, wandering her way over to the Tokyo Lift. The Mills also bid a special farewell to NaN, who was exchanged with Chicago's Peanut Holloway. NaN was given a special Mletrocard as a farewell present, allowing for infinite subway rides and access to Battin' Island.

Independently, Mags Banananana was revoked by the Chicago Firefighters and wandered into the Millennials lineup.


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